U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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