i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
