I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
