how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
