please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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