Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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