a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
