You're a womanizer and a bitch.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
