; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
