so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Randomize
