Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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