if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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