I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
It was confusing and full of hummus
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
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