I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
