I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
This is my gift to your gina
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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