so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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