walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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