Screwed.edu
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
soo... how was my night?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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