He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
