No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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