saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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