walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
