You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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