Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Two words: nipple clamps
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