Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
