I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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