I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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