All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
