I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
