first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
it's like iHOP with fire
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
