everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
