It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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