why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
