And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
