Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
