watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
