I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
