Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize