just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I can't put those talents on a resume
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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