I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
