i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
