Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He? As in you personified your dick?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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