my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
