can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
