I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
