no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
