I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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