I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
