mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
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