I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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