My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
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