Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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