This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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