I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
