There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Randomize
