I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
