Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
this beer tastes like vomit already
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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