I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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