I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
bring money and cleavage
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
