I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
