he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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