found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
