when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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