Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
