it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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