Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
My life is pants optional.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
