There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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