Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
