Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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