Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
