I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize