Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
