Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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