its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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