Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
