Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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