I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
