and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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