all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
