discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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